How Many Frogs Must I Kiss? Why Finding the “Right” Therapist is Hard Work (But Worth It)

Cartoon frog representing the challenge of finding the right therapist, highlighting the hard work of therapy and the importance of a strong therapist-client relationship. Online therapy tips and advice.

How many frogs must I kiss until I find my true prince… er… therapist? For some, finding a great therapist happens on the first try, but for many, it can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. So, why is it so hard to find the right therapist, and what can you do about it? Let’s break it down.

System Problem: The System Needs to Change

Traditional one-on-one therapy, while still widely used, feels outdated. The model was created over a century ago, back when a slower pace of life made face-to-face sessions for an hour or longer the best option. Today, even though life moves faster, therapy hasn’t evolved much.

Originally, therapy followed a doctor-patient model, with therapists as the “experts,” spending a lot of time talking with “patients”, because mental health issues are invisible through direct observation. So, therapists had to gather a thorough history of symptoms and context to then decide what is wrong and how to treat it.

Today, most people seek therapy for normal life challenges—relationship struggles, anxiety, or grief—rather than serious mental illness. There is less emphasis on symptoms and treatment, and more emphasis on compassionate understanding. Because of this, therapists are trained very broadly to handle a range of normative as well as more serious mental health issues. This generalist approach often leaves them as jacks of all trades but masters of none.

In grad school, we get vague advice like “Reflect what people say” or “Explore coping strategies.” While potentially helpful, it often doesn’t prepare new therapists to give the concrete help clients want. That’s why some therapists struggle to give more than surface-level advice.

Personally, I found this approach unsatisfying, so I sought out my own answers. Now, I have a valuable toolkit of practical strategies to help clients, but not every therapist goes that extra mile. When you’re looking for a therapist, find one who goes beyond the basics, like specializing in a particular therapy or approach (other than basic CBT).

Therapists Need Therapy Too

Therapists are required to go through therapy themselves, and for good reason. However, supervision—which is like therapy for therapists—can be hit or miss. Some supervisors focus on case studies and coping strategies, which perpetuates the same system issues I mentioned earlier.

Good supervision helped me grow both personally and professionally, giving me tools to help others and encouraging me to do my own hard work. Not all therapists put in that effort, though, and it shows.

While there’s no surefire way to tell if a therapist has done their personal work, there are clues. Do they show up to sessions on time? Do they seem confident and engaged? Do they set healthy boundaries? These signs show they’ve invested in their growth, which makes them more capable of guiding yours.

Give a therapist 3-5 sessions to see how consistent they are and whether they bring value. Trust your judgment—if something feels off, it probably is.

The Relationship Is Crucial

Whether you view therapy as treatment or a space to vent, the success of therapy hinges on the relationship you build with your therapist. Trust, rapport, and comfort are key to progress.

The best way to foster this relationship? Ask questions. Many clients hesitate to ask their therapist personal or process-related questions, but remember, they work for you. You should feel empowered to get to know them.

That said, your therapist isn’t your friend or romantic partner. While building rapport is important, therapists maintain professional boundaries to keep the relationship focused on your growth.

If you’re not curious about your therapist or don’t feel a connection, ask yourself why you’re continuing therapy with them. Openness and curiosity go both ways.

What Therapy Is—and Isn’t

Therapy, like any profession, has its limits. You wouldn’t expect your general doctor to perform heart surgery, right? Similarly, therapists can’t do everything, and they aren’t mind-readers or magicians.

Some therapists specialize in working with specific populations—like kids, couples, or trauma survivors—so it’s important to find someone with the right expertise for your needs. If you expect your therapist to have all the answers or “fix” you, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

Therapy is about building awareness. Your therapist acts as a mirror, helping you see your patterns and choices (and potential tools) more clearly. Once you have that awareness, you can decide whether to make changes or continue as you are. But remember, it’s up to you to do the work.

Is therapy worth it? Absolutely! When you invest in yourself, your life improves, and you gain tools that last a lifetime. Finding the right therapist can make all the difference in your journey.

TOP 12 WAYS TO FIND A GOOD THERAPIST

I could go on forever about the difference between good and bad therapy or therapists, but to keep it simple, here’s my top 12 list of tips for finding the right therapist and good therapy:

Familiarize yourself with therapy: Know what type of therapy you’re looking for—CBT, Psychodynamic, Gestalt, etc. as well as for family, couples, or individual. Understanding these modalities helps you make an informed choice.
Assess yourself first: What are your goals for therapy? What are you hoping to get out of it? Be clear about your expectations, even though they may evolve as you go along.
Shop around: Don’t just settle for the first therapist you meet. Try out 2-3 therapists, and compare. You’ll know which one “wins” after those initial sessions.
Give it time: Give your therapist at least 3-5 sessions before deciding if they’re right for you. It may seem like a lot, but this time allows you to see how consistent they are and what they truly bring to the table.
Ask questions: Ask your therapist questions about themselves and their approach. You’re building a relationship, so it’s only fair to get to know them.
Manage your expectations: Therapy is not a magic solution, and your therapist doesn’t know everything. Keep your expectations realistic.
Consider alternatives: Sometimes therapy might not be what you’re really after. Maybe what you actually want is a supportive friend, a mentor, or a motivational speaker. Be clear with yourself on what you’re actually seeking.
Don’t box yourself in: Many people stick to certain criteria, like only wanting a female therapist or someone young. Be open to trying a therapist outside your typical preferences—you might be surprised!
Pick the right therapy for you: Don’t try to make individual therapy work for couples’ issues, or do telehealth therapy if you’ve got bad internet. Match the therapy to your needs and limitations.
Do your own work: Therapy is your work, not the therapist’s. They’re a guide, not a miracle worker. You’ve got to put in the effort, just like exercising!
Let go of bias from bad experiences: If you’ve had bad therapists in the past, don’t assume the next one will suck too. Give the new therapist a fair chance.
Therapy is worth the investment: Sure, therapy can be expensive, but it’s an investment in your entire life. Therapists provide you with lifelong tools, not just a one-time service. The cost is worth it when you think of the value long-term.

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Building Self-Esteem and Confidence Through Therapy

Young adult girl smiling with her head back in a field at sunset, symbolizing the positive impact of self-esteem counseling and personal growth through therapy.

Who wouldn’t want to be the most liked and popular person in the room? The kind of person who walks in, and all eyes are on them, admiring their presence. This imagined status comes with perks—high social standing, more opportunities, and the feeling of being desirable and valued. For many, especially younger individuals, this kind of popularity seems like the ultimate goal. But what happens when low self-esteem or a lack of confidence makes this dream feel out of reach, or worse, when it feels like a lie even if you achieve it?

This is where imposter syndrome comes into play. Imposter syndrome is a psychological phenomenon where individuals, often those who have achieved significant success, feel unworthy of their accomplishments. They believe they’ve somehow fooled others into thinking they’re more capable than they truly are. Often, this feeling stems from low self-esteem or a lack of confidence, coupled with an underlying sense of shame. Let’s explore these concepts further.

Understanding Self-Esteem and Confidence

Self-esteem is all about how you value yourself. It’s the sense of self-worth you carry, shaped by your experiences and the messages you’ve received throughout life. People who grew up in toxic or dysfunctional environments often internalize negative messages about their worth, leading to low self-esteem. They may see themselves as less valuable or important than others, a belief that can persist into adulthood and affect their ability to build meaningful relationships or pursue goals.

On the other hand, confidence is about your belief in your abilities. You might have low self-esteem but still feel confident in your ability to perform certain tasks. For example, reading is a skill you’ve developed over time, and you likely feel confident in your ability to read a blog post like this one. But confidence can be situational. Imagine being asked to read aloud to a large audience—your confidence might waver, even though your reading ability hasn’t changed.

The key difference is that self-esteem relates to your overall sense of worth, while confidence is specific to your abilities. Someone might feel confident in their work skills but still struggle with low self-esteem, or they might have high self-esteem but feel uncertain about specific tasks. The interplay between these two aspects can significantly impact how you perceive and approach life.

What Is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter syndrome is the feeling that you’ve deceived others into thinking you’re more competent or deserving than you believe yourself to be. It’s a common experience among high achievers who feel their success is due to luck or timing rather than their abilities. This syndrome often goes hand in hand with feelings of shame—a deeply ingrained belief that you’re inherently flawed or unworthy.

Shame differs from guilt in that it’s not about feeling bad for something you’ve done, but rather feeling that there’s something fundamentally wrong with who you are. This feeling can drive people with imposter syndrome to engage in harmful coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse, to numb the discomfort of feeling like a fraud. It’s a destructive cycle that therapy can help break by addressing the root causes of these feelings.

How Therapy Can Help Build Self-Esteem and Confidence

Online therapy offers a powerful space for exploring and overcoming these deeply ingrained beliefs. By unraveling the patterns and messages that have shaped your self-esteem and confidence, therapy helps you understand why you feel the way you do. Often, these patterns originate in childhood, when we absorb messages from authority figures and society about our worth and abilities. In therapy, you can begin to challenge these messages and develop a healthier, more authentic sense of self.

A significant part of this process involves reparenting—revisiting the messages you received growing up and rewriting them. Therapy helps you identify the negative scripts that have been playing in your mind and empowers you to replace them with more positive, self-affirming beliefs. This reparenting process is crucial for overcoming imposter syndrome and building genuine self-esteem and confidence.

The Long-Term Benefits of Therapy

Building self-esteem and confidence through therapy is a journey that requires patience and commitment. The more deeply entrenched the negative messages, the more time it may take to unravel and replace them. But the rewards are worth the effort. As you develop a stronger sense of self, you’ll find it easier to pursue your goals, build healthy relationships, and experience life with greater confidence and authenticity.

It’s also important to recognize that if you’ve experienced significant psychological abuse, such as emotional or physical abuse, this process may take longer. Therapy can help you navigate these challenges, providing a safe space to heal and grow.

Conclusion: Embracing Your True Self

In summary, self-esteem, self-confidence, and imposter syndrome are interconnected aspects of how you see yourself and your place in the world. The messages you’ve internalized throughout your life play a significant role in shaping these feelings, but they don’t have to define you. Online therapy can help you address the underlying causes of these issues, allowing you to rewrite your internal scripts and build a life that reflects your true values and strengths.

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How Online Counseling Supports Depression Recovery

Girl looking out a window with a blurry cityscape, symbolizing contemplation and the introspective nature of depression. Online counseling for depression can provide support and clarity.

Depression is often viewed through the lens of the medical model, where symptoms are identified and treated much like a physical illness. While this approach has its merits, it can sometimes oversimplify the complexities of mental health. Depression, in particular, is often a natural response to difficult circumstances, and the symptoms we experience—such as persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities, and low energy—are the consequences of underlying behaviors and thought patterns. Understanding these deeper issues is key to managing and ultimately overcoming depression.

When clients come to therapy, they usually present with the classic symptoms of depression. It’s common to focus on these symptoms first, as they are often the most distressing aspects of the condition. However, just as a headache might be a symptom of dehydration, the feelings of sadness and low energy associated with depression are often indicators of a broader issue. The goal of therapy isn’t just to alleviate these symptoms temporarily but to address the root causes so that the symptoms don’t keep returning.

Beyond Coping: Addressing the Root Causes of Depression

Many clients come to therapy seeking coping strategies to manage their symptoms, hoping these will provide quick relief. While coping strategies can be helpful in the short term, they often don’t address the underlying behaviors that contribute to depression. As a licensed therapist, my focus is on helping clients become aware of these behaviors so that they can make more informed choices. There are specific patterns of behavior that can lead to depression, and by recognizing and altering these patterns, clients can begin to see lasting change.

Depression isn’t simply the result of life’s difficulties. Two people can experience the same challenging event, but their reactions can be vastly different. This is because our interpretations and responses to situations are shaped by our perspectives. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), a well-established approach, is particularly effective in helping clients reframe their thoughts and develop a more positive outlook. By changing the way we think about our experiences, we can influence our behaviors and, ultimately, our emotional well-being.

The Role of Online Counseling in Managing Depression

So, how can online counseling help if you’re struggling with depression? As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, online therapy offers the same benefits as in-person therapy, with the added convenience of being accessible from your own home. This can be especially beneficial for those with severe depression, where leaving the house might feel overwhelming. Online therapy can provide the initial push needed to begin the therapeutic process, especially when motivation is low.

Once in an online therapy session, the work begins with building awareness of the behaviors and thoughts that contribute to your depression. One of the first hurdles is often assessing whether you’re ready to make changes. It might seem counterintuitive, but many people find comfort in their depression. It’s a familiar state, and the idea of stepping out of it can be frightening. This is why therapy often starts with exploring these feelings and understanding the role that depression plays in your life.

Building Awareness and Control

In therapy, we focus on increasing your awareness of the behaviors that lead to depression. Through consistent observation and feedback, I help clients recognize patterns that might otherwise go unnoticed. Once you become aware of these behaviors, you gain the power to change them. Awareness brings control, and with control comes the ability to choose actions that lead to more positive outcomes. This can include being more productive, engaging with the world around you, and experiencing life with greater motivation.

Another important aspect of online counseling is exploring the more existential questions that often arise during young adulthood. This stage of life is filled with significant decisions—about careers, relationships, and personal identity. These decisions can be overwhelming, and when faced with too many choices or challenges, it’s easy to feel paralyzed. Therapy can help you navigate these big questions and find your authentic path, building a life that reflects your true values and goals.

The Comprehensive Approach to Depression

Depression therapy isn’t just about managing symptoms; it’s about understanding the full scope of what contributes to your mental health. It involves exploring your behaviors, thought patterns, and the larger existential issues that shape your life. In online therapy, we can use a combination of CBT, mindfulness, and existential approaches like Gestalt therapy to address these different aspects of depression. This holistic approach helps you not only reduce symptoms but also create meaningful, lasting change in your life.

Conclusion: Embracing the Journey to Recovery

In summary, depression is more than just the symptoms you experience; it’s a complex condition that involves your thoughts, behaviors, and the larger questions of life. By addressing these underlying issues through online counseling, you can begin to make lasting changes that improve your overall well-being. If you’re ready to take the first step toward recovery, online therapy provides a convenient and effective way to get started.

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Mindfulness Therapy for Young Adults

Woman sitting in a calm lake landscape setting in the early morning drinking coffee, symbolizing mindfulness in the present moment and online counseling for mindfulness for young adults in life transitions.

Life is full of transitions, whether it’s moving from childhood to adolescence, from young adulthood into midlife, or even adjusting to new roles as we age. These changes are a natural part of life, but they can also be challenging. Events like graduating from college, starting a new job, or moving to a new city are milestones that can bring both excitement and anxiety. Even positive changes can be stressful, and it’s during these times that mindfulness therapy can be particularly beneficial.

Mindfulness therapy helps you stay grounded during life’s transitions. Our bodies and minds crave stability, but change is inevitable. When faced with new challenges or uncertainties, our natural reaction is often to resist. This resistance can manifest as anxiety, stress, or even avoidance of the change altogether. But, avoiding change can lead to stagnation, where you miss out on growth and opportunities.

When clients come to therapy to deal with life transitions, mindfulness is one of the most effective tools I use. It’s not just a trendy buzzword; it’s a powerful technique that has proven effective across a range of mental health conditions, including anxiety, depression, ADHD, and trauma. Mindfulness, in particular, has gained significant popularity over the past decade, surpassing even cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) as a go-to approach for many therapists.

What Exactly Is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is about being fully present and aware of the moment you’re in. It’s about noticing everything—your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, and the environment around you—without judgment. Many people think they are already aware of their surroundings, but true mindfulness goes deeper. It involves tuning into every detail, so much so that you can almost feel time moving. This level of awareness isn’t easy to achieve, but with practice, it becomes second nature.

In therapy, we often use specific mindfulness exercises to help build this awareness. These exercises can be practiced both in and out of sessions, allowing you to develop mindfulness as a skill. In sessions, I pay close attention to everything you say and do—the words you choose, your tone of voice, and your nonverbal cues. Often, I’ll share observations with you about patterns or behaviors that seem “loud” to me—those that stand out and recur frequently.

One of the great things about mindfulness is that once you notice something, you can’t unsee it. Awareness gives you a choice: you can continue a behavior, change it, or choose to do something entirely different. This awareness is key to making informed decisions about your life and your reactions to changes.

Mindfulness in Therapy: More Than Just a Trend

Mindfulness isn’t just a fad; it’s a core element of effective therapy, especially for those navigating life transitions. It’s similar to Gestalt therapy in that both approaches emphasize awareness. However, while Gestalt therapy often involves experimenting with unfinished business, mindfulness focuses purely on the present moment without judgment.

You might be tempted to think of mindfulness as a form of meditation, but they are not exactly the same. While meditation often involves emptying the mind or focusing on a single thought, mindfulness encourages awareness of everything happening in the present moment. Meditation can sometimes be used as an avoidance strategy—something that mindfulness seeks to overcome.

Avoidance is a common issue, especially during transitions. Whether it’s the discomfort of a new job, the anxiety of moving to a new city, or the sadness of leaving a familiar environment, our instinct is often to avoid these feelings. However, avoidance only delays the inevitable and can exacerbate stress and anxiety in the long run. Mindfulness, on the other hand, encourages you to face these feelings head-on, giving you the tools to handle them effectively.

How Mindfulness Therapy Helps with Life Transitions

Mindfulness therapy is particularly useful for young adults facing significant life transitions. Whether you’re navigating your first job, dealing with a breakup, or moving to a new city, the principles of mindfulness can help you manage the stress that comes with change. By staying present and fully aware, you can approach these transitions with a sense of calm and control.

In therapy, I help clients build this awareness through specific tools and exercises. We work on recognizing and understanding your thoughts and feelings as they arise, giving you the power to choose how to respond. This is crucial because the more aware you are of your internal experiences, the more control you have over your actions and decisions.

Mindfulness therapy also helps in setting boundaries, which is essential during times of transition. Whether it’s saying no to extra responsibilities at work or ensuring you have time for self-care, being mindful helps you recognize your limits and assert them in a healthy way.

Conclusion: Embracing Change with Mindfulness

In conclusion, mindfulness therapy offers young adults a valuable tool for navigating life’s transitions. By building awareness and staying present, you gain more control over your reactions and can face changes with confidence. While transitions can be challenging, they also offer opportunities for growth. With mindfulness, you can embrace these changes and move forward with clarity and purpose.

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Online Therapy for Managing Anxiety and Stress

Young adult female sitting comfortably on her bed with a laptop, highlighting the convenience and accessibility of online therapy.

Managing anxiety and stress is crucial for leading a balanced life, and online therapy offers an accessible, effective way to get the support you need. Whether you’re new to therapy or transitioning from in-person sessions, online therapy can provide the same benefits as traditional therapy—plus a few unique advantages that make it especially appealing.

Why Online Therapy Works: The Power of Accessibility

One of the biggest hurdles for individuals dealing with anxiety is simply getting to therapy. For some, the thought of driving to an appointment or even making a phone call can feel overwhelming. Online therapy breaks down these barriers by bringing the session to you. Imagine attending therapy in the comfort of your own home, where you feel safe and secure. This can be particularly beneficial for those with severe anxiety, as it reduces the pressure of navigating unfamiliar environments or social interactions.

But the convenience of online therapy isn’t just about avoiding the hassle of travel. It’s about making therapy more accessible to those who might otherwise be unable to seek help. Whether you’re dealing with social anxiety that makes in-person sessions daunting or simply have a busy schedule, online therapy fits seamlessly into your life, allowing you to prioritize your mental health without additional stress.

Convenience in a Digital World

The way we live and work has changed dramatically, especially since the pandemic, and therapy is no exception. With many of us now accustomed to remote work and virtual meetings, online therapy feels like a natural extension of our daily routines. Why spend time getting dressed, driving through traffic, and finding parking when you can simply log on from home? Online therapy allows you to integrate mental health care into your routine with minimal disruption.

This convenience is not just about saving time—though that’s certainly a benefit. It’s about making therapy as accessible as possible. When you’re already comfortable in your own space, it’s easier to focus on what really matters: your mental health. This comfort can be especially important when dealing with anxiety and stress, as it creates a setting where you can be more open and engaged.

Breaking Down Barriers: The Unique Advantages of Online Therapy

There’s a common concern that online therapy might not be as effective as in-person sessions. However, research consistently shows that online therapy is just as effective in treating anxiety and stress. The therapeutic techniques used, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and mindfulness, are equally effective whether delivered face-to-face or through a screen.

CBT, for example, is a structured, goal-oriented approach that helps you identify and challenge negative thought patterns. Whether you’re in the same room or miles apart, your therapist can guide you through exercises designed to shift your thinking and reduce anxiety. Similarly, mindfulness techniques, which focus on staying present and reducing stress, can be practiced and refined during online sessions with the same effectiveness as in-person therapy.

One of the unique benefits of online therapy is the insight it provides into your daily environment. As a therapist, I often get a glimpse into my clients’ living spaces, which can be incredibly revealing. I might notice details in the background—a cluttered room, a particular piece of art—that spark important discussions and provide deeper insight into a client’s state of mind. This level of context is something that’s often missing in traditional office settings.

Overcoming the Challenges of Online Therapy

It’s true that online therapy comes with its own set of challenges, particularly when it comes to technology. Internet disruptions can occur, and sometimes the connection isn’t as stable as we’d like. However, these issues are usually minor and can be quickly resolved. Both the therapist and the client can easily pick up where they left off without it affecting the overall effectiveness of the session.

Another concern is that online therapy might feel less personal, or that the therapist might be more distracted. However, in my experience, the opposite is true. Online therapy often allows for a more focused and intimate session. Clients are in their own environment, which can make them feel more relaxed and open. As a therapist, I’ve learned to pick up on subtle cues—like a client’s tone of voice or facial expressions—that can be just as telling as body language.

How Online Therapy Mirrors In-Person Techniques

When it comes to managing anxiety and stress, the techniques used in online therapy are identical to those used in in-person sessions. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is highly effective in both settings, helping you reframe negative thinking patterns and develop a more positive outlook. Mindfulness practices, which are often used in therapy to help clients stay grounded in the present moment, can be just as powerful online. These techniques are especially useful for individuals with anxiety, who often find themselves focused on the future or past, missing out on the present.

Online therapy allows you to engage with these techniques in a setting that feels safe and comfortable. Whether it’s through guided mindfulness exercises or cognitive restructuring activities, the goal is the same: to help you manage anxiety and stress effectively, no matter where you are.

Conclusion: Embracing the Future of Therapy

In conclusion, while there may be some initial hesitation about online therapy, both research and experience show that it is an effective and convenient option for managing anxiety and stress. The process is essentially the same as in-person therapy, but with added benefits like no travel time and more flexible scheduling. For those with severe anxiety or stress, online therapy can break down barriers that might otherwise prevent them from seeking help. While technology can occasionally present challenges, the advantages far outweigh the drawbacks. As our world continues to move online, so too does the future of therapy.

Ready to explore the benefits of online therapy?
Schedule a session with me today and take the first step towards better mental health.
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